Substitute Crazy Person

Talk about Crazy

As your local Crazy Person I would like to introduce you to a very nonsecret society that dwells deep within our community. It dwells deep because it has no money to go out. Obviously, I am talking here about the Cass County Society for Immoral Repeat Breeders. There are only a few qualifications for membership, those being that you must have three children or more, all with different fathers. Or if you're a manwhore, all with different mothers.
While I was pregnant with my fourth child, I quit going to the grocery store in my own town. I bought a ring, and married myself so complete strangers wouldn't look at me with disdain in the check out line and either ask, 'are you married?' or, 'Don't you know what causes this?' Of course my answer wasn't always polite, and consisted of some generally smart ass comment like 'yeah, Captain Morgan and Nyquil!' and then fuming all the way home because people think they have the right to judge you. Even though it was not true, several times I told rude people that I used to have a husband and he died in Iraq. That shut them up pretty quick. But then I bought the ring, married myself, and voila, no more questions. I have a few friends that are also charter members in the CCSIRB, and they will all tell you the same thing. Nobody did it on purpose. We're not Rosie o'freakin Donnell here. We didn't go spend a bunch of money on fertility treatments, we are not 'proud single mothers that planned and chose to have a baby'. We are broke ass poor women who once in a while, like maybe two times a year, get out of the house. We screw one time, and can be on birth control, use a rubber, spray the whole goddamn man down with spermicidal jelly, douche immediately like thirteen times, and take the morning after pill.....and three weeks later, we are puking looking at a pink stick going, 'you've got to be kidding me.' Actually, I was a little skeptical of the whole tubal ligation procedure....I'm pretty sure a determined sperm could find it's way there somehow. He said he was going to leave four inches of space between the ends of my tubes, but if I have no uterus, or ovaries, then there is no chance that I could be guilty yet again of immoral repeat breeding. But, since I started the society, I feel I should tend to it. I convinced the current and founding members that because they are also man lovin baby machines they should belong. It's nice to belong somewhere. Of course none of our children can ever date in Cass County, and maybe also the other surrounding counties because several of us are bastardly related and God only knows how many other children our children are bastardly related to. In fact, this is such a small town that one pudgy nonfavorite seed spreader has propgated at least five fields that we know of. That we KNOW of! There are many women that would never, ever admit to being in that club. So, you see, no longer is it mandatory, if you tell your children apart by their last names, to move to Alabama and begin calling yourself 'mammy'. You can just join us here, at the Cass County Society for Immoral Repeat Breeders.

The Day After 'V' day

Well, I haven't been here for a few days, because there was some (obviously) crazy thing going on with my modem. Anyway, that's fixed and here we go again. So no surgery for me Friday. I called my doctor's office and asked very politely that if he's going to be in there with a camera for the tubal ligation, could he possibly look and make sure there is no endometriosis and if not, maybe see why I have had horrible cramps since before Thanksgiving that never go away. The nurse called me back, and so there is a big change of plans. Now, he is going to do a hysterectomy instead. And, if I have endometriosis he will gut me like a fish and try to get it all out of there. But, that is serious surgery, not outpatient, and means a few days in the hospital. Here's the way I see it. There will be drugs, and people will bring me meals. It's the closest thing I will ever see to a vacation, probably! But, being as crazy as I am, I started thinking...I should make a will, etc...you know, the whole mortality issue. I wouldn't care except for all my sweet little kids. I worry what would happen to them if I wasn't around. Then, of course, on top of finding all this out....it's Valentines Day. It was fun. Not as fun, as say, dental work, but fun nonetheless. King God of the Elks actually made some effort, and brought flowers, candy for the girls and the baby, and a movie for them, and some movies for us. We watched those and then went to sleep. Wow! way to go boring self! Anyway, it was an effort. I can respect that.
So, no one, again, has asked a new question. I cannot believe that the entire world has access to my advice and yet, no questions. I am sure that I am not the ONLY know-it-all, but we need questions here. Serious questions. Give my some crap to work with, world wide web! Oh well.....last resort it is. I have a question.......

Monday the start of my crazy week

Well, This is the first day of the week from hell. I will have to have surgery Friday, nothing serious, just getting my baby making equipment shut down. Oh yeah. Anyway, that means that I have to get the house/food/laundry situation handleable before I am down for a couple days and Commander Elk is in charge of the baby. My mom is taking the girls for the entire weekend, something that is usually only saved for birth, but she felt surgery to eliminate the chances of any more births was just as important. How funny that the first rest I will really get in four years is after surgery. Damn. They should offer low rate medicaid tubal ligation surgery right on the beach in the Bahamas....then they could just leave me out there for a couple days, send an umbrella drink cart and a lady with Darvoset in a little cup.....
So since I have had no new questions, I will answer one of the questions frequently asked to President Bush.

"Mr. President, I understand that with the help of your wife, your dog Millie wrote a book. And that it has grossed $889,000 in sales. Mr President, does it make you feel just a little inferior that your dog has earned more than you this year, can write better than you, and has more public support for the next presidency than any of the incumbents so far? And, Mr. President, have you considered allowing Millie to tell you what to say in that earpiece you wear during all public appearances?"

"The answer to that question is simple. I like dogs. Does anyone have a burrito?"

IT is Sunday, The Craziest Day of All

Wow! So, to my previous posters.......
To Offspring #1: You are loved. Crazy loved. And thank you for being so watchful about those knives......now, being that you were my worst and most painful birth, I expect great things from you. Presidency, (of something other than the local psych ward) or doctor, (good drugs...I'm voting on this one) or something even better, like an artist. Chop chop, boy...get to it!

To Sally: Obviously, if you inherit a million dollars, you should give it to me.

To Shirley's first question.....If you are truly the baby's father, then you can not count on the court for diddley squat. What you do is, Go to where the baby is. Act really ditzy, then do some drugs. The baby will think you are it's father, and soon, it will follow you around because there is no one left to drug the baby's bottle. I mean, babies are difficult enough without withdrawal....if the baby wants to go with you, then I say, you're a gypsy...just take it. You probably aren't going to see any of that fortune though, unless you can start her hooking early.

To Shirley's second (impatient) question....I may be crazy but that gives me access to good medications which help me sleep sometimes. And, you do deserve special treatment. If you want to come over I will share my crazy drugs!!! Also, I had no idea that anyone would actually look at my blog....or really ask questions. Whew. I was having a hard time not just asking myself the same things over and over curled up in the fetal position in front of the computer screen.

To Ponymacaroniwannabee: no, unfortunately, my house does not look like this. There are way more scary children and the crap they drop and leave and walk over and smush.....wonder what would happen if i just glued the children down to something with liquid nails? that would help with the chasing, but then there would be the listening which would drive me crazier and then i would have to get out of the house...and they would be glued down........and I can't just leave them home by themselves that's against the law.......I can see this needs more planning.

And now, TwoFeathers.....I have no art posted there because I am probably the most disorganized, stagnant artist to date. I have done 1 and 1/2 new pieces in two years. I used to be able to sell art at shows...then babies kept dropping out of me and now all my arms and legs are falling off.....I might post there sometime, but not today because I have saved today for the most special things of all.....changing poopy diapers, fixing everything that makes a three year old whine, finding new and improved ways to ramrod my 7 year old, and that leaves hardly any time for me to think up some devious and wicked plan to thwart the evil plans of the Leader of the Elks. But I will go there and look, because I know that will make you happy. And someone in this mess should be happy.....today it gets to be you!

and about that site.....HEY WAIT!!!!! are you suggesting that I am mentally ill????

Any more questions will be answered fairly promptly....sometimes I fall asleep so I can't post in my sleep. but I will try. Anything for you guys. sniff...I love you, man....

Today is a crazy day

Today is a crazy day, folks. And by folks, I mean those of you who are not reading this, just me.
Obviously this is my first post here at Ask a Crazy Person. I have a question for myself....
"why do you stay in relationships that cause you pain and anger and feelings of futility and hopelessness?" Good question, self. The answer is, of course, that I am screwed up emotionally and I try to make things work long after they obviously aren't working. I try to please everyone, I put everyone else's needs in front of my own, blah blah blah. This, I feel, adds to my craziness. And my ability to understand other crazy people. Sometimes. So I have friends....who are also crazy people. maybe they will find me here and we can just talk crazy to each other. It might not solve anything, but hey.....you never know. Stranger things have happened!